you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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