I wish I could teleport
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
time to smoke my breakfast
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
