Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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