my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
