If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You ruined the universe
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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