If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
