You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
