So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
