It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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