can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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