I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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