the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
