Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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