Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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