awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
