So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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