A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
