I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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