At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
