Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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