i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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