I could make wine with my vomit
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
