so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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