he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
