If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
