Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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