i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
