If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I smell like Dick and happiness
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
