I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
