I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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