I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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