You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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