So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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