so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
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You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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