Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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