I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
