how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
