the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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