You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
