As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
