dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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