I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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