what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
