True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
