There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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