It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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