Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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