Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
