I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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