I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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