My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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