That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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