someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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