Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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