hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
That's intense
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
