One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
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Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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