wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
