I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
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you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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