Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
